You know those Facebook personalities that float around, haunting the world’s best social networking site. Everybody knows them. They’re unavoidable. Well, here’s a list of the most common and annoying ones that I’ve found. If you find that you fit one of these stereotypes, please, do all of your friends a favor. Stop doing that thing.
The Poker
I don’t actually need to say anything about this. It’s self explanatory. Why does poking exist? It’s stupid. Stop poking me.
The Groupie
The Groupie is the guy who thinks every cause, every inside joke, every event, everything deserves a Facebook group. It doesn’t. Coincidently, most Groupies tend to be quite illiterate and can’t even properly convey their cause in less than seventy-five characters. This leads to his group name having far too many punctuation marks and not enough legitimate words. Also, lots of abbreviations.
As if there aren’t already enough groups out there. Heck, there are duplicates of groups, just spelled and exclaimed differently. You can find fan groups, anti-fan groups, event groups, groups trying to be the biggest group, groups against groups, groups that are against groups that are against groups, groups against duplicate groups (ironically, there’s a ton of those … Check it), groups … You get the idea. All that, and there’s not even really a point to them. If you’re a fan of something, why join a group? Add it to your Interests …
The Groupie may also be known for being …
The Invitation Freak
Back in 2007, shortly after Facebook apps were launched, Facebook had over 3,000 apps you could add, and was averaging 100 new apps every day. That’s way too many to sift through. Unfortunately, The Invitation Freak will somehow find time to sift through them all and invite you to all of them as well. Numerous times. (I’m still not sure whether vampires or werewolves are better …)
But he won’t just do this with apps. No, he’ll do it with groups, pages, events … everything. Anything that has the “Invite People to Join” button, The Invitation Freak will invite you to it. The reason Facebook has become so insecure recently and has been the result of countless hacking attempts is essentially the fault of The Invitation Freak. Anyone can write an app; therefore the same geniuses who keep Symantec and McAfee in business will also make apps to hack Facebook.
The Obnoxious Tagger
The Obnoxious Tagger thinks your life isn’t complete without theirs. That’s why they have to tag you in all of their notes, photos, and videos. They think you need to know about the good time they had, about how depressed they are, or whatever.
Quickly check out this page on tagging in Facebook. Notice, under photos, it says, “Facebook provides users with the opportunity to identify the people in their photos by ‘tagging’ the images.” … Hold on, let me just say it again “… identify the people in their photos …” This would imply the person was, in fact, in the photo. This principle should also be applied to Notes. If the person is not actually mentioned in the note, you don’t need to tag them.
Look, everything you do or add on Facebook will show up in my News Feed moments after you do it, so it’s not like I don’t know you wrote a note. I suppose the cause of this may be because The Obnoxious Tagger is also actually …
The Attention Monger
The Attention Monger has to be seen on Facebook. They update their status on an unhealthy basis, constantly put pictures (of themselves) into albums, update their status again (even though they aren’t doing anything new), comment on all your photos and notes, right on everyone’s wall (because it will show up in the News Feed!) … Anything that can be posted on, they will post on. Anything that can be updated, they will update so they’re always at the top of your News Feed. Just met them? They’ll add you. Just added an album and forgot to tag them in a photo? They’ll tag it for you.
Their profile is completely full. They list every band, every movie, every everything they possibly can in their profile. They even have that Extended Profile app to add MORE, just in case you actually do pay attention to them for once … They want you to know how awesome they are.
Unfortunately, people who see The Attention Monger all too often must ask the question …
Do I Know You?
This person adds you when they don’t really know you. You meet them once, they permanently engrain your name into their memory because they think you’re cute, and then they go back to their dorm and add you as a friend. But you aren’t really friends. Webster says a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem” or “a favored companion”. Someone can’t be either of these things after one or two meetings, no matter how cute they are.
Then there’s the person on Facebook who thinks they’re on MySpace. I think they literally just search for random names and add people when they’re bored. I used to know somebody who would just always look up their own name and add anyone whom they had that common bond with.
Finally, there’s the “I know you through your cousin” guy. Look, we’ve never met, so why are you adding me? I don’t care if you know my cousin, or you went to school with my parents and you’re fifty (that happened to me once). Facebook is a social networking site, not an online dating community. Although some of you seem to have a pretty severe misunderstanding about that.
The Creeper
The Creeper always is the first to comment on your photos of the previous night’s slumber party. He always knows your latest status update (he has them texted to his phone), and he’s not afraid to ask you about them in person. He’s always curious about your camping trip last weekend (he knows you went on it because he saw the album). He sends you messages and writes on your wall about how he hasn’t seen you in a while, but you look like you’re having fun.
Oh, and he also started texting you. He got your number from your profile.
The Complainer
The Complainer basically hates Facebook. Everything about it. The new design sucks, it’s always slow, and you need to be able to customize profiles, why don’t they make an app that does this?
Look, if you want a customizable profile, go back to MySpace. We don’t want your glitter here. Facebook is clean and intuitive (and quiet … Yes, you, who uploads music on your MySpace). Go design your own website if Facebook isn’t good enough for you, but there’s a very important fact you must remember: Facebook is free. And has far less obnoxious ads than MySpace or Xanga.
And, I just have to say this, no matter how many people you get to join a group, some magnificent thing will not happen. For instance, Facebook will not change the design back if you get 10 million people to join your group. They invested months into designing and programming it, and you think they’re going to just throw it away? They’ll try to upgrade it more to please you, but they will never go back to the old layout. And they will never support both layouts. That would be impractical, a nightmare to maintain, and downright stupid.
Why Bother?
They’re the opposite of The Attention Monger. They have nothing on their Facebook. They even have The Question Mark as their profile picture. They list maybe one or two interests, bands, and movies, and that’s pretty much it. Their About Me section is empty. They have no photo albums or notes, and they never update their status. They’ve never commented on a single photo or note since they registered. In fact, they only really got a Facebook because you forced them to. Because you’re The Attention Monger and you wanted them to look at your profile. Nice work …
That concludes the rather extensive list. Basically, if you’re thinking you may be doing something wrong (or annoying) on Facebook, consult The Ten Commandments of Facebook before continuing. It will answer all of your questions if this list didn’t.
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